Who's in charge here?

Funny store to share with you this morning. The Knight is away this week, and unlike the last time around, this round of injections is intramuscular (versus subcutaneous) so it is harder to give them to yourself because it is preferred that you inject the area above your butt (versus your belly). After wracking my brain trying to figure out how I can get someone to help me with yesterday's injection, I realized that my agency has a health center and that there are nurses there. After jumping through a few hoops, I got them to agree to give me my injection.

So, yesterday afternoon I went and was cool as a cucumber, being a veteran at this IVF injection routine. Well, the nurse, who was clearly no spring chicken, was not as familiar with the process and so I took the lead.

When I took the needle out of the package and removed the cover she startled me when she practically shouted, "That's a BIG needle." Ummm, yeah, are you TRYING to freak me out? I just laughed and told her that I was okay with it if she was. Hahaha. Well, it turned out that the big needle was just used for getting the medicine out of the vial, and then you switch to a smaller needle for the injection. It was still funny. I am glad I am not squeamish or freaked out about these things or that nurse would have made it a LOT worse.

Then we had a little debate about where the injection should go. When I had the trigger injection for the last cycle, it was intramuscular and the nurse at Shady Grove drew a nice little circle on my backside in the appropriate spot so the Knight would know exactly where to inject me. So, while I couldn't really see it, I remember where it was. Well, Ms. Crankypants Nurse thought it should be on the side of my hip. We finally compromised and did it halfway between where she thought and I thought.

Oh, and the shot, I didn't even feel it. I had to ask her if she'd put the needle in yet. I will do this shot (Del Estrogen) every three days for the next two weeks, and then I will add in another med (Progesterone in Oil - PIO) every day for three weeks.

That stuff is supposed to be tough because it is thick and can hurt. I found lots of tips online about how to make it more pleasant, and I know the Knight will do what he can to make it better. For example, they say you can hold the vial in your hand or on a heating pad for a few minutes to warm the PIO. You can also massage the injection site afterwards. I'm not too worried about it, but just in case I think I will stop by Trader Joe's and pick up a little reward treat - for me AND the Knight. :)

Round 2, Day 1

It's that time again. Yes, it is time for us to begin the second cycle. Are you excited? I know I am. :)

Let's recap. Round 1 - our first full IVF cycle - resulted in the retrieval of 23 eggs. 21 of those were mature. 18 of those fertilized normally. We transferred 1 embryo and froze 3. I got pregnant, but miscarried very soon thereafter.

Now we get to try again. We decided to transfer 2 of the frozen embryos and will hopefully wind up with a "snowbaby" - get it?

For the past three weeks, I was on birth control pills in order to regulate my cycle. Counterintuitive, right? I know.

Here's the plan:

Tonight I will start the injections. These are totally different from what I did last time since the procedure we're preparing for is completely different. Basically, they're trying to thicken the lining of my uterus to prepare it for the embryos.

We'll do the shots for around 2 weeks, and then on July 1st, it's time to get me pregnant. I really wish it were more fun than it is...

I'm guessing that we'll wait two weeks, and then it's finger-crossing time.

Now shhhhhh. I am not telling my mom about the specifics. She doesn't read this blog (as far as I know). As it so happens, we will be visiting her just about two weeks after the transfer and hopefully we'll have some good news to share with her - IN PERSON. But I want it to be a total surprise, so I'm being very vague about the details this time.

So, that's the scoop. We're feeling very optimistic.

Blogs: They're Meant to be Read

Before that whole Ironman thing, I was a blog-less woman. I know, I know, it is so hard to remember those days. But alas, I had nowhere other than Facebook to post my always insightful musings (ahem) and details of the latest training session.

Back in those days, I knew several people who had blogs, but I wasn't a regular blog reader. I didn't even know about Google Reader (how did I survive?). Every now and then, when work was slow, I'd check out a few different blogs that I'd bookmarked. All the while, I secretly felt like a stalker, and would never tell the writers that I had read them, and of course I'd never leave a comment.

...And then I started my blog. And I practically wanted to beg people to read it. I shared my thoughts, my pictures, and my funny stories, and it thrilled me every time someone commented or mentioned that they had read what I blogged.

I am pretty sure that most bloggers feel the same way. We write because we want to share. If we don't want you, our undefined and unknown body of readers, to know something, we don't share it.

Two things continue to surprise me:

1) the number of people who have reached out to me to say that they've read about our IVF journey and have gone through the process (or something related); and

2) how many readers sheepishly admit that they've read the blog, as though they peeked in my diary or something. I get it...but I'm here to tell you, it is OKAY.

Let's be clear: I want you to read this blog. Please don't be shy about commenting (I absolutely love comments!!!).

With regard to the IVF journey, I thought long and hard about whether to discuss it here. It seems like such a taboo topic for most people.  I thought about who might read it... Would my step-children (ages 20 and 22) see this blog? Do I want people who I barely know to read about the details of this difficult and emotional process? How about the Knight's ex-wife - or my ex-husband? Will they somehow find this blog? And if they do, do I care? Why shouldn't I share all of this with the world - or at least my 10 faithful readers?

I decided that I didn't want to hide what I was going through. It is just awkward for me to be less than forthcoming and I just couldn't figure out a good way to bring it up in conversation.

At the time that we began considering IVF, I knew two ladies who had been through IVF (successfully) and I wasn't really sure if they would want to talk about it. I felt awkward about bringing it up. 

Then I wrote that blog post on April 1st and I started receiving such wonderful, supportive notes from everyone. Thank you, thank you, thank you! You have no idea how supported that made me feel - and continue to feel. I began to realize that I actually know a lot of people who have been through this and pretty much everyone is willing to talk about it, share advice, and give pep talks.

Blogging about all of this was a good decision and I am so glad that I have opened up about this part of my life. I still want to share what I'm going through. Maybe someone will learn something that will help them in the future. Maybe I will learn something. At the very least, blogging saves me from some of the individual questions asking, "What's the status?" although I never mind talking about this. Well, there was that one day when I got the bad news, but...

Writing is therapeutic. I could put this all in a journal, but I have chosen to put it here, for all to see. I would love it if you would leave a comment here [really, it is easy - you can even do it anonymously] to let me know that you're reading.

Keep reading... I expect a very happy ending to this story and I can't wait to share it with you.

Happy National Running Day!

I’ll be honest with you. It is not a great day for running in the DC Area. Code Orange air quality. Hot. Humid. But I heeded Coach Ed’s advice and went out for an easy “acclimation” run during my lunch hour. Wooooeeeee. It definitely felt like a sauna, but it was a good run and as I frequently have to remind myself, I never regret going for a run.

I am happy to be able to celebrate running today. Running has been such a significant part of the past 5 years. It has been a truly positive force in my life and I can honestly say that I am better for it.

I’m healthier, happier, and fitter. I’ve developed friendships with so many wonderful people because of my love of running and triathlon.

One of my favorite sayings is one I created:

The Goal is The Race in 2050.

I sincerely hope that 40 years from now I still call myself a runner and I continue to benefit from all of that running brings to my life.

Thursday Thirteen

1. Bring on the weekend! It is only Thursday and I am so excited! I won’t say that work has been particularly stressful lately, but I will say it has been extremely busy and this holiday weekend is going to be much appreciated. I can’t wait to have three solid days in a row where I don’t have to be in the office. I know you can relate.

2. My USAT membership is about to expire and I can’t really see any reason to renew it at this point. For that matter, I don’t know that I can even call myself a triathlete any longer, since I’ve done one sprint triathlon (and a few relay legs) since becoming an Ironman. I know I’ll be an Ironman forever, but can I still call myself a triathlete?

3. I’m registered for the Musselman Sprint in July but since I hope to be a few weeks preggers by then, I’m considering skipping out. It is too late for a refund, so I’m thinking I’ll just show up and take it easy.

4. If you know me, you know how unrealistic the take-it-easy approach is. I’ve tried before, and if there are people to be passed, I’m going to try. Go ahead, Es, comment on this…

5. I’m seriously head over heels for my iPad. I’ve mentioned before my relationship with the iPad. Things have gotten serious. We haven’t slept together yet, but we’ve been cuddling in bed quite a bit. We go everywhere together. I think it is true love!

6. Let’s talk about my iPad (or CatPad, as I like to call it) a little more, okay? Two weeks ago I went on a weekend trip. Normally I count the minutes until I reach my destination. This time around, however, I sat contently in the airport (on the floor, no less, so I could use the only available outlet to recharge) listening to music and reading a book. I could have stayed there all day.

7. The flight time whizzed by as I watched a couple of episodes of Weeds that I’d downloaded. Unfortunately I had to pay for them because I couldn’t stream netflix in flight, but it was worth it (HD was not). When I finished the book I was reading, I tapped a couple of taps and started a new book. No need to carry around multiple books and periodicals. It was fabulous!

8. That’s just the tip of the iceburg. I listen to Pandora radio while I get ready in the morning. I use the mapping feature on the road. I find restaurants. I look for cheap gas. I check my grocery list (and add to it). Of course, I check facebook. And this morning while I was drinking my morning juice, I programmed by DVR to record an Oprah farewell special. It is easier to use the iPad than the DVR box and remote. Okay, I’m done. For now.

9. On a completely unrelated note, the Federal government’s hiring process is completely f-ed up. Yes, I said f-ed up. I don’t ordinarily curse, but it is just so ridiculous! Three different offices in my agency would like to hire me, but they can’t. The archaic hiring system prevents any rational behavior like identifying a suitable candidate for a vacancy and hiring them. Now I am on the flip side of the equation trying to select individuals for vacancies and dealing with insane veterans preference issues that dictate who we can hire and how. I just needed to vent.

10. On a happier note… Okay, wait. I’m trying to think. What can I say on a happier note? Give me a minute.

11. Oh, right. I’ve got it. Life is good. Hey, I can be general. I’m really in a good place right now, physically and mentally. I’m back to myself and I’m really happy about that.

12. Which reminds me - I started running again. I wasn’t planning to. Although I’m in between IVF cycles and mostly recovered from the surgery, I was thinking I would just not start again since I’d probably need to stop in a few weeks. Yeah, that made more sense in my head than when I write it out. Long story short, Monday night I was “leading” the run and I just decided to go for it. In the past few weeks I've walked or roller-bladed while everyone ran. Not only was running enjoyable, but I felt fantastic afterwards and even the next day. So I ran again yesterday and plan to go for it again Saturday. Seriously, I'm sure that the majority of my few readers are fellow triathletes, but if you don't already run, you should start. It makes such a difference in how you feel, your energy, the kind of food you crave, the quality of your sleep, etc., etc.   

13. I have started working on a business plan. It won’t take the place of my full-time job, but it will allow me to do something I love and have wanted to do for a long time. Now I just need to execute it. More soon.

Gosh, my entries are long this week, but I suppose that’s not so unusual.

Thanks for reading! Have a great holiday weekend!

Looking Ahead

I'm feeling even more optimistic today than yesteray. It really helps that it is Friday. Parrrrty!

The weekend is going to be awesome and I've been looking forward to it for months. The Morses are hosting their annual Strike Out MS Crawfish Boil tomorrow at their home in Alexandria. This is a seriously great event for a very worthwhile cause. All are welcome and it is always a great (and yummy) time.

Check out Amazing Kate's fundraising page here. For your $25 donation, you get all of the crawfish, potatoes, corn, sausage, etc., you can eat. Add $5 and you get all of the beer you can drink, too. What a deal! The Morses pay for all of the food out of their pocket and all of the proceeds go directly to the National MS Society.

Then Sunday will entail more delicious eats. I'm not talking about Taste of Arlington. Nah. It is time for the semi-annual DonRockwell.com picnic.

Although I haven't made it to a picnic in a while (the darn race schedule kept interfering), I know it is going to be great! DR.com is a 'foodie' message board for the DC area and is my number one source for restaurant information. I've been a member of the community for a while now and have met a lot of great people and learned about many wonderful places to eat.

The picnics, oh the picnics! I think of them as the ultimate pot lucks. Sometimes there are pigs being roasted, or homemade bacon being grilled. Once there was a chili cookoff. Attendees range from professional chefs and domestic goddesses to regular people like me who just like good food. You don't need to bring a culinary masterpiece to participate. This is seriously one of the least pretentious, most warm and welcoming groups I have ever known.

I still need to figure out what I am going to bring. There is a pretty high bar for the food, but you could honestly show up with paper plates and plastic forks you would be welcomed with open arms. If anyone would like to join us, let me know. It is at Fort Hunt Park from 12-5.

So, lots of eating this weekend. Somewhere I'll squeeze in some good workouts to counterbalance all of the deliciosity.

In case you're wondering, there is a plan for the next cycle and we are set to go. I'm a planner. I like plans. We have a plan now and I'm happy. It is pretty simple. Now those little frozen embryos (yes, plural) better get on board. We are ready to go.

Happy Friday, everyone. I hope to see you all at one of the fun events this weekend.

Chin Up

Another quick update. I'm truly, honestly doing okay. Yes, we're bummed. But very optimistic that this will eventually work out.

Remember how I mentioned that we're doing the "shared risk" program. Well, we have 5 more cycles left. Yay! We have 3 frozen embryos. And we have each other (awwww).

In the extremely unlikely event that at the end of this we don't have a little bundle of joy, guess what... We get our money back. Not that I want that, but that's like half of the cost of our dream kitchen.

Yesterday I had a nice elliptical workout and I did abs. Yes, I did. For the first time in like 7 weeks. I have that pleasant soreness today that is due to a workout and not surgery, injections, or bloating. I feel good.

I really appreciate the comments, notes and facebook posts. Thank you!!!

Decrease

The nurse called. My level is down. No longer pregnant.

:(

I'm doing okay. We'll just move forward from here.

Thanks everyone for the messages. I feel very loved.

Well, actually...

You know how they say you can't be a little bit pregnant...you either are or you aren't?

Well, that is not entirely accurate.

I thought the waiting would make me crazy, but it actually hasn't been too bad. I've had a lot to distract me; party planning, work, a quick weekend trip for a friend's retirement.

Today was the big day and as you might expect, I was very excited and very nervous.

TMI warning: On Saturday, I started bleeding. Just a little. A friend had told me how she had spotted after IVF and she was still pregnant, so while I was concerned, I wasn't devastated. (Thanks, B, for that info, it REALLY helped!)

Sunday I wasn't bleeding anymore but I had some of those moments that you have where you can just feel your period coming. But I wasn't spotting anymore. I was convinced I was not pregnant. That was until a few hours later when I stopped feeling any symptoms and started feeling much more optimistic.

This morning I started spotting again. I didn't know what to think. I went for my blood test first thing and then the anxiety set in. What a roller coaster!

Finally, around 2 pm, the nurse called with the results.

Positive!

Yippee!


But......

The blood test measures your hCG levels and that is how they determine if you are pregnant. Unfortunately, my level is very low. The Knight keeps nudging me to not be negative. I think I am generally a very optimistic and positive person, but I am also very realistic. I prefer to be prepared.

Without dwelling on the possibilities, I will just mention that there is a chance that the pregnancy will not last. There really isn't anything I can do at this point but wait and keeping taking my meds. I will be re-tested on Wednesday morning. The hope is that my level will double by then.

I kind of feel like it would be easier to have gotten a negative result than to be in this situation. Not that I'm hopeless, but I think I'd rather not be pregnant than have a miscarriage. I'm not giving up yet.

The Knight is being super fabulous, which reminds me of why I married him and why I am so incredibly lucky to have him as my husband and friend (and partner in this endeavor). So I'm doing okay. I'm a little emotional, but I believe 100%  that this will work out in the end.

Thanks for reading and supporting me. I felt like I should not leave you hanging... I'll update when I know more.

Brrrr.....

Three 3 embryos made it to the cryopreservation - or freezing - stage. Yay! That means that whenever we're ready to do this again, we can skip the weeks of shots and the egg retrieval, and skip straight to the transfer. Good news! Hopefully it will be a few years before we need to think about these guys.