Moving forward

As you probably know, we are doing Shady Grove's "Shared Risk" program, wherein we paid for approximately two IVF cycles, but are entitled to up to 6 cycles, if needed. The good news is that we are apparently getting our money's worth out of this deal. The first two rounds were, shall we say, unsuccessful... although the doctors are very careful to focus on how great it is that I was able to get pregnant both times.

So, where are we now? Well, despite feeling a little battered by recent events, our desire to have a child and see this thing through has not waned. Heck, we're Ironmen...we don't give up.

Two weeks ago I had a D&C to remove the fetal tissue. The process went perfectly, and recovery couldn't have gone better. I'll leave it at that. I wasn't going to mention this but I do so to tell you about the benefit (???) of doing the procedure. By removing the tissue, they were able to analyze it. [Additionally, doing the procedure avoided the immense pain and drama of miscarrying naturally.] They aren't always able to get helpful information from the testing, but we got lucky (???) and they determined the cause of the miscarriage.

I wish I could now explain to you what happened, why, and what that means going forward. Nope. The nurse called a little while ago with some gobbly-gook [there were this many chromosomes, and blah, blah, blah, number 14 was blah-blah] and said that the doctor would call me next week (NEXT WEEK?!) to discuss. But oh, if I wanted to talk about it sooner I could call the office and leave her a message. Uh, thanks.

So, I don't know much more than that. I assume it is something that we can deal with. Dr. Google hasn't been super helpful, but from what I can tell, it isn't something major that will prevent success in the future. But I don't know, because, you know, the doctor is very busy, and so, I guess I'll just patiently wait for a better explanation. [Yes, I'm being a little snarky. I'm impatient.]

The medical part of this, however, is separate and distinct from the emotional side. As much as I want to go forward, I find myself questioning everything.

Remember what a happy, excited pregnant lady I was? I want to be her again. Yeah, I knew that all pregnancies have a risk of miscarriage...but I was strong and healthy, our numbers were GREAT, and I was drinking green juice every morning, eating lots of good healthy food, and continuing those pesky injections every night. I just believed we were in perfect shape. I guess I was naive. I was more concerned about the potential for bed rest in the later months than anything.

When I think about doing another cycle, I am more scared than excited. If it works, and I get pregnant again, I don't know if I will be able to relax enough to celebrate that. I've tried talking to a few friends who've had children, and they say that pregnancy is full of worry and doubt. I get that, but while I plan to be cautious and careful, I don't want to be obsessive.

Now, I feel compelled to mention, that all along it has been very clear that there is nothing we did to cause this, and there is nothing we could have done - short of preimplantation genetic testing (very expensive and usually unnecessary) - to prevent this. It was a unpreventable chromosomal issue. But now that I've essentially lost three babies - separately - because of chromosomal issues, I don't know if I can stop worrying that it will happen again. [Note: Since we didn't test the first time, we don't know if the first pregnancy was due to the same chromosomal issue or a different one. Also, the nurse couldn't tell me if both twins suffered from the same chromosomal issue, as she only showed one result and guessed that it applied to both. More info would be very helpful, Shady Grove.]

I've found myself feeling uncharacteristically pessimistic lately. I get really sad and often find myself thinking that this is not going to work out. I don't know where this comes from, since I am usually pretty optimistic. Perhaps my hormones are still wackadoodle. Last week's beta test, which you may recall detects the level of hCG - the pregnancy hormone, was still pretty high and had me well within the "pregnant" range.

Assuming that my head bounces back, and assuming that whatever this test result means is not a deal breaker, here's the plan. My beta level needs to get back to zero. Again, I don't have much information about how long this takes, mostly because it appears that it is very individualized. At 9 days post-D&C I was in the high 700s. I will test again this Friday.

Once it goes back to zero, I need to have a full natural cycle, and have a real menstrual cycle. In other words, the lovely stuff that started last week, in the midst of my head cold and stomach bug, just before the earthquake (yeah, it was a lovely day), doesn't count. Zero beta, period, then I get to start those birth control pills again to regulate my cycle. Then we start again. So, it might be a while.

Right now, I am focusing on all of the excitement on the coming month. Just 8 short days until our vacation begins. Less than a week after returning, we will have our little Disney Wine & Dine half marathon adventure. Good stuff ahead!

Oh, and a little more good news to share. I found out last week that it looks like my current boss was able to convince my old office to let him keep me for another year. That is excellent news! I emailed my boss to thank him and he responded, "No one is happier than I!" How nice is that?! I feel very appreciated.

Relativity

My secretary, a sweet 23-year old, is sitting at her desk crying her eyes out because her dress ripped. She is considering taking the rest of the day off. I get it...and that really stinks. But I am this close to saying something like "let me tell you why I cried myself to sleep last night." ....But I won't. Sigh.

I logged in here because I found out you could see a bunch of stats about your blog and I wanted to check it out. Who knew? Okay, you knew. But I'm still figuring this stuff out.

Among other interesting things I learned, is that it looks like 18 people checked this page in the past 24 hours. 18! Wow! This week, when I haven't even posted, there have been 86 page views: 75 in the US, 4 in Germany, 4 in Kuwait (?), 2 in Australia, and 1 in Taiwan. I have to say, I am touched. And flattered. Maybe I am being presumptive, but I guess you are all wondering how I'm doing.

I'm okay. I guess I should be honest, right.

For the most part, I'm keeping it together and maintaining my perspective. More about that below. But then I have moments like last night when the hairdressers in my salon excitedly congratulated me for the news they heard from the Knight just a few short weeks ago. I didn't know what to say and as I tried to explain I started to cry. It really took me by surprise.

In general, though, I feel like I've done a pretty good job of keeping things in perspective lately. That was especially evident last week when two people I totally adore suffered from random, devastating medical conditions. One of my favorite [Iron]friends landed in the ICU last week after suffering from a pulmonary embolism. [Please read this if you haven't already.] Fortunately, she is now fine and is at home recovering. The next day, one of my beloved teammates suffered from three strokes and is now beginning the arduous process of relearning how to communicate. Wow! Talk about perspective.

Anyhow, I think you all know how much I have truly appreciated the support that I've received. It has been amazing and overwhelming. As I've done my fair share of googling about miscarriages lately, I've read so many comments from women who've had a lot of anger towards those who've tried to be supportive but have somehow struck a nerve or two. You know what? That's just not me.

I'd say that 99% of the time I have been touched the support I've received and I generally don't let the misguided comments bother me. [Thank you, coworker, for trying to lighten the mood by telling me that the miscarriage must have been caused by my daily snack of greek yogurt with chia seeds and dried blueberries that you detest so much. --  BTW, this is one of just a few people in the office who knew what was happening b/c I needed to explain my absences; I have generally kept the situation a secret at work.]

I will say that just because: miscarriages are somewhat common/it happened to so-and-so you know/it was so early in the pregnancy/everything happens for a reason/et cetera, et cetera, does not make it hurt any less. But really, when people say those things to me, I don't take offense or get upset. I know they're trying to help. I appreciate the effort. I know that I certainly don't say the right thing all of the time, or even most of the time.

But there is one thing that bothers me. I don't think that anyone who reads this blog is an offender so I am just going to say it. What really upsets me is the folks that imply, or outright state, that it was too early for me to have shared the news of my pregnancy, or that I shouldn't be blogging about this. Again, I know that they mean well, but I guess it feels like they're questioning my judgment, or the decisions that I so carefully made.

I should probably just get used to that. I hear that parenthood is rife with such unwelcome judgment. But I digress...

As my regular readers know, I give a great deal of thought to my decision to blog, and I take great care in sharing what I believe is appropriate - for ME (or I should say, for us).

Yes, it was really hard for me to share the bad news. I'm not sure that it would have been any less difficult for me to deal with my loss than if I had kept it a secret. In fact, I am sure that the positive impact of the love my friends have shown me this month FAR outweighs the difficulty of publicly announcing the bad news.

I have never been a big fan of being secretive. It is probably just my personality. [Don't worry, I keep my friends secrets close.] When it comes to this blog, I regret nothing. Yet, it still hurts when I feel like people are saying or implying that I should not be sharing.

Now that I write that, I realize that the offenders are non-readers, and perhaps they just don't understand what this blog is about because they haven't seen it. And for those who said it was too early for us to tell, says who? Just because your son and daughter-in-law waited until the second trimester to tell *you* that they were expecting, doesn't mean that we were required to keep the news to ourselves until that point. I've yet to locate the rule book on this, but if you have a copy, please let me see it.

So, from this point forward, when I feel like it, I am going to blog. Writing has been remarkably therapeutic for me - especially today. I have learned a lot from people who've reached out to share their experiences with me; something that wouldn't have happened if I had kept this whole process under wraps. Most importantly, I have had the opportunity to support a couple of other friends who are beginning a similar journey.

So yeah, I'm doing okay. I have good days and bad days. But I am healing, and am amazingly aware of how lucky I am.

Stay tuned for more info on what's next...

I thought you should know

I'm not really sure how to say this so I'm just going to say it. Friday morning we learned that Baby B did not make it. As much as we thought we were prepared for the news, we were not. We are deeply saddened.

It is time to heal. We are surrounded by love, friendship, and a ton of support. We are making every effort to appreciate all of our good fortune and move forward from there.

I'm not going to say that everything happens for a reason because I've found that is not really a fair statement. Some things just have no possible good reason for happening. However, I do believe that eventually things have a way of working out. I truly believe that things are going to work out just fine for us.

With love,
Cat (& Oli)

Uplifting

Okay, so I said I was going to take a break from blogging but I feel compelled to write today...and that's a good thing.

Yesterday, as I made my way to work, my emotions made me feel so heavy that I didn’t know if I was going to make it to my desk. I felt so fragile that I thought that I might fall apart at any moment.

One of the reasons I decided to post our sad news is because of our weekend plans. The Knight and I are still planning to head to Luray to race with the team this weekend (well, he’ll race, I’ll cheer). Yet, I didn’t know how to deal with what is usually the very welcome excitement, congratulations, questions, and yes, belly touching (it has already started). I didn’t want to tell people individually – because it would be hard on me and awkward for them. We thought about cancelling our plans, but the idea of camping in the mountains, in that big field with a hundred of our closest friends sounded like exactly what we needed.

So I posted Monday night and by morning a few messages starting trickling in.  It was comforting. And then the messages kept coming in and I found myself excited to check email because every note was having a positive effect on my emotional state and was getting me through the day.

Later, the Knight sent an email entitled “Incredible” saying that one friend in particular was tremendously thoughtful and was thinking of us. I didn’t know what he meant, and he refused to tell me so that I would be surprised when I got home. Waiting for me was a beautiful edible arrangement that was also quite delicious! The best part was the decadent chocolate-covered strawberries. Mmmmm.

The notes kept coming in, one by one. By the time I went to bed, my spirits were high. I told the Knight that while I am not one for false hope, I feel like it is very possible that this little baby is going to make it.

The feeling of friendship and love that you all brought to me has overwhelmed me and made me feel like no matter what, it will all be okay.

I believe in karma. Lately, I’ve been wondering what I did that was so bad, because things really haven’t been going my way. Well, today, I feel like the universe has reminded me that it is all going to work out. I must have done something really, really good to deserve this outpouring of support. Thank you doesn’t begin to cover it.

The other 11 reasons

I don't really want to write this post, but I need to. We are really sad to say that the snowbabies are not coming along like we hoped. Last week we went for our second routine ultrasound and the doctor gave us some upsetting news. Both baby's heart rates were low. Baby A was much smaller. She gave us 50/50 odds that they would survive.

This morning we learned that baby A's heart has stopped beating, and although baby b's heart rate continues to increase and the baby is steadily growing, for some reason, the chance of survival is very low (20%).

Needless to say, we are heartbroken. We don't know why this happened, and neither do the doctors. They say there is nothing we could have done, and nothing we can do, to help the situation. We haven't given up hope for the remaining baby, but it doesn't look good. Still, if you could think good thoughts or pray for us, we would appreciate it.

Now it is time to heal, and focus on the other 11 reasons I was happy in my recent post. I think I may take a break from posting for a little while. Don't worry, I will be back.