My secretary, a sweet 23-year old, is sitting at her desk crying her eyes out because her dress ripped. She is considering taking the rest of the day off. I get it...and that really stinks. But I am this close to saying something like "let me tell you why I cried myself to sleep last night." ....But I won't. Sigh.
I logged in here because I found out you could see a bunch of stats about your blog and I wanted to check it out. Who knew? Okay, you knew. But I'm still figuring this stuff out.
Among other interesting things I learned, is that it looks like 18 people checked this page in the past 24 hours. 18! Wow! This week, when I haven't even posted, there have been 86 page views: 75 in the US, 4 in Germany, 4 in Kuwait (?), 2 in Australia, and 1 in Taiwan. I have to say, I am touched. And flattered. Maybe I am being presumptive, but I guess you are all wondering how I'm doing.
I'm okay. I guess I should be honest, right.
For the most part, I'm keeping it together and maintaining my perspective. More about that below. But then I have moments like last night when the hairdressers in my salon excitedly congratulated me for the news they heard from the Knight just a few short weeks ago. I didn't know what to say and as I tried to explain I started to cry. It really took me by surprise.
In general, though, I feel like I've done a pretty good job of keeping things in perspective lately. That was especially evident last week when two people I totally adore suffered from random, devastating medical conditions. One of my favorite [Iron]friends landed in the ICU last week after suffering from a pulmonary embolism. [Please read this if you haven't already.] Fortunately, she is now fine and is at home recovering. The next day, one of my beloved teammates suffered from three strokes and is now beginning the arduous process of relearning how to communicate. Wow! Talk about perspective.
Anyhow, I think you all know how much I have truly appreciated the support that I've received. It has been amazing and overwhelming. As I've done my fair share of googling about miscarriages lately, I've read so many comments from women who've had a lot of anger towards those who've tried to be supportive but have somehow struck a nerve or two. You know what? That's just not me.
I'd say that 99% of the time I have been touched the support I've received and I generally don't let the misguided comments bother me. [Thank you, coworker, for trying to lighten the mood by telling me that the miscarriage must have been caused by my daily snack of greek yogurt with chia seeds and dried blueberries that you detest so much. -- BTW, this is one of just a few people in the office who knew what was happening b/c I needed to explain my absences; I have generally kept the situation a secret at work.]
I will say that just because: miscarriages are somewhat common/it happened to so-and-so you know/it was so early in the pregnancy/everything happens for a reason/et cetera, et cetera, does not make it hurt any less. But really, when people say those things to me, I don't take offense or get upset. I know they're trying to help. I appreciate the effort. I know that I certainly don't say the right thing all of the time, or even most of the time.
But there is one thing that bothers me. I don't think that anyone who reads this blog is an offender so I am just going to say it. What really upsets me is the folks that imply, or outright state, that it was too early for me to have shared the news of my pregnancy, or that I shouldn't be blogging about this. Again, I know that they mean well, but I guess it feels like they're questioning my judgment, or the decisions that I so carefully made.
I should probably just get used to that. I hear that parenthood is rife with such unwelcome judgment. But I digress...
As my regular readers know, I give a great deal of thought to my decision to blog, and I take great care in sharing what I believe is appropriate - for ME (or I should say, for us).
Yes, it was really hard for me to share the bad news. I'm not sure that it would have been any less difficult for me to deal with my loss than if I had kept it a secret. In fact, I am sure that the positive impact of the love my friends have shown me this month FAR outweighs the difficulty of publicly announcing the bad news.
I have never been a big fan of being secretive. It is probably just my personality. [Don't worry, I keep my friends secrets close.] When it comes to this blog, I regret nothing. Yet, it still hurts when I feel like people are saying or implying that I should not be sharing.
Now that I write that, I realize that the offenders are non-readers, and perhaps they just don't understand what this blog is about because they haven't seen it. And for those who said it was too early for us to tell, says who? Just because your son and daughter-in-law waited until the second trimester to tell *you* that they were expecting, doesn't mean that we were required to keep the news to ourselves until that point. I've yet to locate the rule book on this, but if you have a copy, please let me see it.
So, from this point forward, when I feel like it, I am going to blog. Writing has been remarkably therapeutic for me - especially today. I have learned a lot from people who've reached out to share their experiences with me; something that wouldn't have happened if I had kept this whole process under wraps. Most importantly, I have had the opportunity to support a couple of other friends who are beginning a similar journey.
So yeah, I'm doing okay. I have good days and bad days. But I am healing, and am amazingly aware of how lucky I am.
Stay tuned for more info on what's next...
6 comments:
Hang in there Cat.
Jill
Well think about this ... if you hadn't told us and allowed us to be excited & happy with you, we wouldn't be able to emphasize in quite the same way. So I'm glad you told us. And screw the people who give you a hard time. That's not a friend and that's not what you need. This isn't easy and you need chocolate and hugs, not contempt, from others.
People can live their lives the way they way - they don't report to you and you don't report to them. So maybe if they get pregnant they will wait to tell friends & family. Ok fine. But if they go through the same experience, don't you think they'll want to lean on their friends for support? Of course they will. Because life is hard and if we don't have friends to lean on for that support, it's even harder.
People say that the first 3 months is the most risky, and you will "jinx it" if you tell people. Honestly? Telling people or not won't change the outcome, but isn't it better being able to share the pain with people than if you kept it a secret and now no one can understand why you're hurting?
(Ah, and I don't know if you read Velvet in Dupont, but she's going through the IVF cycle too, and I think she's with Shady Grove now as well. Here's a recent post of hers about her experience, since she had a nightmarish time with Washington Fertility: http://www.velvetindupont.com/2011/08/04/washington-fertility-center-vs-shady-grove-fertility)
Thanks, guys! What great friends you are! Even you, Carla, who I've never met. And thanks for the link.
From Bibiana:
I felt, during my pregnancies, that I would want support if something happened, so I told my family immediately. So you did the right thing for you. Throughout your pregnancy, you will get horror stories, and advice from a lot of people. It will get worse when the baby comes: too cold for baby, too hot for baby, you should breastfeed (you should), you should formula feed, you should stay home, you should work, blah blah blah. Everybody has an opinion but only you know what works for you.
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