Moving forward

As you probably know, we are doing Shady Grove's "Shared Risk" program, wherein we paid for approximately two IVF cycles, but are entitled to up to 6 cycles, if needed. The good news is that we are apparently getting our money's worth out of this deal. The first two rounds were, shall we say, unsuccessful... although the doctors are very careful to focus on how great it is that I was able to get pregnant both times.

So, where are we now? Well, despite feeling a little battered by recent events, our desire to have a child and see this thing through has not waned. Heck, we're Ironmen...we don't give up.

Two weeks ago I had a D&C to remove the fetal tissue. The process went perfectly, and recovery couldn't have gone better. I'll leave it at that. I wasn't going to mention this but I do so to tell you about the benefit (???) of doing the procedure. By removing the tissue, they were able to analyze it. [Additionally, doing the procedure avoided the immense pain and drama of miscarrying naturally.] They aren't always able to get helpful information from the testing, but we got lucky (???) and they determined the cause of the miscarriage.

I wish I could now explain to you what happened, why, and what that means going forward. Nope. The nurse called a little while ago with some gobbly-gook [there were this many chromosomes, and blah, blah, blah, number 14 was blah-blah] and said that the doctor would call me next week (NEXT WEEK?!) to discuss. But oh, if I wanted to talk about it sooner I could call the office and leave her a message. Uh, thanks.

So, I don't know much more than that. I assume it is something that we can deal with. Dr. Google hasn't been super helpful, but from what I can tell, it isn't something major that will prevent success in the future. But I don't know, because, you know, the doctor is very busy, and so, I guess I'll just patiently wait for a better explanation. [Yes, I'm being a little snarky. I'm impatient.]

The medical part of this, however, is separate and distinct from the emotional side. As much as I want to go forward, I find myself questioning everything.

Remember what a happy, excited pregnant lady I was? I want to be her again. Yeah, I knew that all pregnancies have a risk of miscarriage...but I was strong and healthy, our numbers were GREAT, and I was drinking green juice every morning, eating lots of good healthy food, and continuing those pesky injections every night. I just believed we were in perfect shape. I guess I was naive. I was more concerned about the potential for bed rest in the later months than anything.

When I think about doing another cycle, I am more scared than excited. If it works, and I get pregnant again, I don't know if I will be able to relax enough to celebrate that. I've tried talking to a few friends who've had children, and they say that pregnancy is full of worry and doubt. I get that, but while I plan to be cautious and careful, I don't want to be obsessive.

Now, I feel compelled to mention, that all along it has been very clear that there is nothing we did to cause this, and there is nothing we could have done - short of preimplantation genetic testing (very expensive and usually unnecessary) - to prevent this. It was a unpreventable chromosomal issue. But now that I've essentially lost three babies - separately - because of chromosomal issues, I don't know if I can stop worrying that it will happen again. [Note: Since we didn't test the first time, we don't know if the first pregnancy was due to the same chromosomal issue or a different one. Also, the nurse couldn't tell me if both twins suffered from the same chromosomal issue, as she only showed one result and guessed that it applied to both. More info would be very helpful, Shady Grove.]

I've found myself feeling uncharacteristically pessimistic lately. I get really sad and often find myself thinking that this is not going to work out. I don't know where this comes from, since I am usually pretty optimistic. Perhaps my hormones are still wackadoodle. Last week's beta test, which you may recall detects the level of hCG - the pregnancy hormone, was still pretty high and had me well within the "pregnant" range.

Assuming that my head bounces back, and assuming that whatever this test result means is not a deal breaker, here's the plan. My beta level needs to get back to zero. Again, I don't have much information about how long this takes, mostly because it appears that it is very individualized. At 9 days post-D&C I was in the high 700s. I will test again this Friday.

Once it goes back to zero, I need to have a full natural cycle, and have a real menstrual cycle. In other words, the lovely stuff that started last week, in the midst of my head cold and stomach bug, just before the earthquake (yeah, it was a lovely day), doesn't count. Zero beta, period, then I get to start those birth control pills again to regulate my cycle. Then we start again. So, it might be a while.

Right now, I am focusing on all of the excitement on the coming month. Just 8 short days until our vacation begins. Less than a week after returning, we will have our little Disney Wine & Dine half marathon adventure. Good stuff ahead!

Oh, and a little more good news to share. I found out last week that it looks like my current boss was able to convince my old office to let him keep me for another year. That is excellent news! I emailed my boss to thank him and he responded, "No one is happier than I!" How nice is that?! I feel very appreciated.